Lessons in Motherhood

Sophia has her first severe battle with diaper rash. It’s a miracle that she’s survived this long without one, but her time has come.

Pop Quiz: What’s the best remedy for diaper rash? Think back three years. I gave you this answer when Hailey had diaper rash. Yup…the best remedy is going without a diaper. GASP!

Yes, I let Sophia go without a diaper all evening long, and she only peed once on the floor. More on that later.

So, the other remedy for diaper rash is a Mama-made mixture of Milk of Magnesia, corn starch, and A&D ointment. As I’m digging through the medicine cabinet congratulating myself on how I am mother of the year for knowing this genius remedy, I realize that my Milk of Magnesia is two years expired and the A&D ointment is nowhere to be found. CRISIS! How will I make my super duper diaper rash remedy if I don’t have the right ingredients?

Ok. No need to panic. I could just pile two girls in the car (one with severe diaper rash who is having a fit) and run to CVS (Luke is in Seattle). Umm…nope…that’s not going to happen. Plan B – MacGyver some crazy remedy together and hope for the best. Hmm…let’s see what we have here. Umm…Mylanta…that’s close to Milk of Magnesia, right? And Butt Paste, similar to A&D kinda, right? Ok. Let’s just mix those together. Hmm…too watery. Ok, how about some of that expired Milk of Magnesia? It’s really thickened up in the past 4 years. Whatever…don’t judge…we’re not drinking it!!! Now a little more corn starch and voila… we have some kind of crazy white paste.

Next step = apply to buttocks. I have never seen this child lay so still for a diaper change before so it must be soothing. The problem is that we’re still going diaper-less at this point which means that we’re getting white pasty crap all over the house. Did I mention that the cleaning lady just came today? Ugh…nice timing, kid!

Of course, the poor little angel wanted to be held all evening because she was hurting. I completely understand and being the selfless mother that I am I held her regardless of the white paste getting all over me. Ok fine. I forgot that she had the paste on until after the damage was done, and then I figured these clothes are destined for the wash anyway.

It’s at this point when I have a pasty-butted screaming child on my lap and I have white crap all over my jeans and black (of course) shirt that my childless neighbors decide to come out on their porch which is right next to mine. I mean, seriously, this is not my mother-of-the-year moment! Before long Sophia is temper tantruming, Hailey is screaming because Sophia took her marker, I’m refereeing the situation while covered in expired Milk of Magnesia pasty crap, and I’m thinking “Holy crap, here I am the poster child for birth control. They are probably going to leave to go get condoms if not a vasectomy right now.”

I know you’re waiting for me to say that Sophia peed on me on me right at that moment, but she didn’t. Instead she peed halfway up the stairs and then tracked it up to the top. (Did I mention the cleaning lady came today?) Hailey reminded me that Sophia peed on the stairs 12 or 13 times. Didn’t matter… I still forgot when I went downstairs and ended up with a very wet sock. Curse words. Just slap my face on a box of condoms right now!