Lessons in Motherhood

Poopie was not at all the word that I wanted to write in that title. Not the word at all. But then I remembered that my parents read this blog, in fact my parents are some of the only people who read this blog, so I don’t need to elicit any more eye rolling from them. Didn’t I cause them enough pain and suffering during my teenage years?

Did I just digress before I even got going on this poopie day story? Wow. I must be a little late on my Ridalyn pill. Is that how you spell Ridalyn? Darn. I did it again.

Ok really, here’s the story. So, ugh I don’t want to incriminate my husband, but I totally have to rat him out. Sorry, Luke. Payback is a biatch sometimes. But, I got a call at like 4:00pm today from Luke which began, “I’m so sorry. I’m really sorry.” That is not the way that you want a conversation with your husband to start EVER. So, while I’m contemplating all of the truly horrific reasons for his apology, he is muttering on and on about dog crap. Wait, what? Dog crap?

Yeah, the dog had a little accident in the hallway by the front door (at least she was well intentioned). She was having some stomach problems, and apparently, couldn’t wait. Luke found this mess while he was stopping home to pack a bag on the way to the airport. Did you figure out why he was apologizing yet?

He was apologizing because he only managed to scoop up what he called “the biggest of the piles.” Why? Because he was late for his plane, which Delta conveniently had moved the time up on and then later delayed. You heard me. They told him it was leaving 15 minutes earlier than scheduled, and then it left 40 minutes later than scheduled. And so there were huge piles of poop on my floor when I got home because he did not have time to clean it up.

That my friends was only my FIRST encounter with poop of the night. There’s more. Later, I got the girls into the bathtub, and they were having lots of fun. Suddenly, Sophia started making her classic Sophia has to poop face. I whisked her out of the tub with the poop literally hanging out of her butt. In the time that it took me to pick her up and put her on my toilet, the poop tumbled out of her backside and onto the floor. No joke. There was a turd on my floor. Yeah, and it’s not like South Park where turds talk and jump. Nope. I had to pick that bad boy up and throw it in the toilet. But, I have to say that I was kind of mentally pinning a Mommy of the Year award on my chest at that moment because not only did I just pick up poo, but I also got her out of that tub before that poop hit the water. So kudos to me.

But here’s the best part of the story. Yes, it gets better. I am stupid enough to put her back in the tub. I thought she was done. Hahaha….I’ll see you one Mother of the Year award and raise you one Dumb Mommy Award. Ugh. She was just postponing the inevitable which was her completing the dirty, turdy deal in the tub a few minutes later. At least it was solid, but seriously, there was poop floating in the water. All I could do was get both girls out of the tub, but then, seriously, what do you do in that situation? I mean how many times in life are you faced with poop floating in the tub? It’s really not something that you plan for.

So, I contemplated trying to play bob for the poopies with a plastic bag, but what happens if I missed and another piece of poop snuck up on me and hit my hand. Nope. Too dangerous. I had to kind of eye the poop on one end of the tub so I could safely reach my hand down into the water to pull the drain. It didn’t solve the poop problem but at least it wasn’t floating poop anymore and isn’t that better?

While the water drained out of the tub, I put both girls in the shower to clean the poopie water off of them, then got both girls back out of the shower, got everyone dried off, got them milk and finally into bed. Well, I’m sure you can guess what happened after that. Yeah. I had to go cut the gross diarrhea hair off of the dog’s butt.