I must have forgotten to take my anxiety medication today and not realized it. I rarely miss a dose like that, but when I do, I have really crazy dreams and night sweats. It’s happened before but never like this.

Tonight I had the most realistic and strange nightmare. It started simply with me coming up with what I thought were brilliant Saturday Night Live skits based on some tv show I’ve never actually seen before. It got to the point where I had many different skit ideas so I called my Dad to tell him what I had come up with. There were all of these actors playing the parts in my skit, and I was both a character and voicing over telling my Dad about the skits as they were happening.

After a few of the skits, I wasn’t on the phone anymore. Instead, I was just in the skits, but they kept changing rapidly. Then, I started to realize that I couldn’t get out of the skits to get back to reality. I couldn’t figure out what reality was. I didn’t know who I was, where I was, who should be around me, etc. I didn’t know what to do or who to call so I started trying to piece together my history. I couldn’t remember anything about who I was. I would try to remember, but I would only get a little piece like one of the dorms I was in at college. I remembered Josie and tried to yell for her, but I couldn’t remember where I had lived with Josie. At this point we were just floating in a sea of white. Things were happening around me (a new dorm being constructed, actors performing a scene, etc), but none of them involved me. I tried to remember who I was and where I was supposed to be, but it was just blank. I remembered a few phone numbers and tried to call people, but no one was there. I tried yelling. Sometimes a piece of a moment would come to me, and then be gone. I didn’t remember that I was married or that I had kids. I didn’t know what city I lived in or who lived near me. I tried and tried, but I could only get tiny snippets that led no where. There was just a lot of white.

I woke up absolutely hysterical with the worst headache of my life. I thought I was dying. Truly, I thought I was having a brain aneurism (I don’t know if you can feel those). Even after I was awake for a few seconds, I was still piecing my life back together, but at least when I tried to recall something, it would come back to me. The first thing I remembered was Luke, and I called him in Seattle to wake him up.

Then I realized that he is my shared history. All of the amazing, wonderful, funny, frustrating, difficult things that have happened over the past 15 years are our collective memories. If I lose my memory, it will have to live on through him and vice versa. And even if I don’t lost my memory, there’s still so much that I’ll forget. I’ll forget how soft my cat is purring here by my side at 3am or how the dog will struggle so painfully to get up to come to see me just because she hears me make a slight whimper while I write this.

And then there’s my beautiful girls. I don’t ever ever ever want to forget a single moment with them, but I know that I will. It’s inevitable. I guess I already have forgotten some things, but there’s a difference. If I really try, I can pull pieces of their lives out of my memory bank. That’s a gift. I didn’t think it was a gift, but after that nightmare, I know it is.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is other than I wanted to remember somehow the night that I had Alzheimer’s in my dreams. Truly the scariest night of my life and a good reason to pick this blog back up if I can. I think I actually stopped writing it around when Hailey learned to read. I suppose that I was afraid that she would find it and be angry that I was posting her life on the Internet, but I’m not afraid of that anymore. I’m not afraid because she actually found my blog the other day, read it for a minute and said, “Mom, I have to get off of your blog because it’s so boring.” Ha! It’s too boring for her. And the second reason I’m not worried about it anymore is that nightmare. I’d rather risk putting our memories out there and having this record than experiencing for even one minute the pain of losing all of the history that I’m living today.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Print
  • Digg
  • Sphinn
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Mixx
  • Google Bookmarks
  • Blogplay