I don’t know how anyone is a kindergarten teacher. I really don’t understand why we don’t pay teachers $500,000 a year to put up with 23 kids in a room. I just can’t think of anything more difficult. Oh the stories that Hailey comes home with – fart jokes, giant messes, bee stings, glued fingers, etc. And, that’s just the stuff that I hear about! All in all it’s just exhausting.

So, here’s the all of the teachers out there. Congrats for making it through 100 days. In honor of your accomplishment, here’s a fun movie of the girls dancing…

We actually have a homemade birthday cake sign hanging from our second floor balcony for her party (in 6 months). She also wanted to hang some signs from the mailbox, but I had to veto that. Of course, I say all of this, and I’ve already forgotten the theme for the party. Wait, now I remember…it’s a Rapunzel party (of course). I don’t know how I could have forgotten that since she also asked me if she could get a Rapunzel wig for her party the last time we went to the store (which I also vetoed because I’m the meanest Mom and the party is not for 6 months…did I mention that part??!?!?).

I complain about this, but you know I’m just a little bit of a planner too. So, it’s hard for me to judge in the case. I mean really, can you just imagine when this kid learns how to make spreadsheets? She’s going to have the whole party organized by the end of August the year before. That’s my good little planner!

Sophia: What happened, Mommy?

Me: Mommy wasn’t thinking and turned the wrong way.

Hailey: You must feel, not think.

Do you think that she watches too much Star Wars?

She runs around telling everyone about her tooth, but what do people do when a little blond girl says that she has a loose tooth? They ask her which tooth and can they see it? This presents a slight problem because she doesn’t actually know which tooth is loose without me testing them all and declaring which one is loose. I can’t even tell you off hand which one it is.

So, this has provided us with constant entertainment over the last few days. I guess that at some point it will be loose, and then fall out. I’ll probably have some type of emotional breakdown when that happens. I suppose that I’ll just enjoy the entertainment in the meantime.

Now, here’s the big but…that’s but, not butt. Don’t get confused. But…Hailey has no sense of time. She uses lengths of time and words associated with time in completely inappropriate ways constantly. It’s hysterical. She often says things like…

Everyday on Tuesdays at school we go to gym somedays.

I am so tired because I was outside for 20 hours today.

Sometimes everyday my friends don’t wear their coats outside.

Huh? It can be hard sometimes to even understand what she’s trying to say because she gets the words all garbled up. She can’t tell time yet either, but she can read (kinda). She’s actually getting pretty good with the reading. The writing is ok, but the spelling is atrocious. Eh. It’s only kindergarten.

“Mommy did you know that boys protect girls.”

Say what???? Where did she learn such a ridiculous thing…ummm… Disney?

Me: “Let’s just back that train up a minute. Why would you say such a thing?”

Hailey: “Well boys know how to fight and girls don’t so boys protect girls.”

Mommy feels a flash of her worst feminist nightmare erupting in her brain.

Me: “Not all boys know how to fight, Hailey. And not all girls don’t know how to fight. There are lots of girls that fight better than boys.”

Hailey: “Well, I need to learn to fight.”

Crap. This is not going in the right direction.

Me: “Hailey, it’s really not good to fight, but I’ll admit that sometimes you have to fight. But girls can fight just like boys.”

Hailey: “Ok. So, girls can protect boys, and boys can protect girls.”

Oh, thank God. Now we are getting somewhere!

Hailey: Mommy, are you going to have more babies?

Me: [GASP] No. What do you think Mommy is, just a baby making machine?

Hailey: Well, when I have babies, I’m going to name them Luke and Leah.

Me: Ok, Hailey. You do that.

You know, maybe I could actually come up with a way to blame Luke for this. Yeah, yeah. This all happened because he was out of town last week. Yeah, that’s why. He was out of town, and I just couldn’t help myself, I had to hang up a Christmas decoration all by myself. Handy Mommy. I was so freaking proud of myself. After I did it, I leaned a picture against the wall to cover the nail in the moulding. Double genius.

Yeah. It was genius until that well placed picture fell off the wall and clocked Hailey right in the head. In the instant before it happened, Luke and I were sitting at the table, and he turned to me to say, “is that picture stable.” I looked at him and said, “of course it is, I put a nail in it.” Not even 2 seconds later, that thing fell and hit Hailey. That’s the ultimate in bad timing.

You can’t even imagine how terrible I felt. I just kept apologizing to her. She was so sweet, and she calmed down very quickly while we put pressure and ice on it. Luke told her that she needed to be a strong Jedi knight and even pointed out that Anakin Skywalker has a scar on his head. That calmed her down so we could evaluate whether she needed stitches…easy answer – YES!

I was practically in tears on the way to the hospital. Then, I heard her little voice from the backseat say, “Mommy, you’re still the best Mommy ever.”

Damn she’s sweet. Anyway, she handled the whole thing like a champ. At the children’s hospital they bring multiple people into the room in case they have to hold the kids down. They didn’t know what they were in for with Hailey. She laid perfectly still while the doctor sewed in 3 stitches. I was so proud of her, and everyone in the room was astounded. That’s my little Jedi for you!

Today, she’s explained the stitches to everyone in the exact same way… “I got three stitches for the first time. It was Mommy’s fault.” Honestly, that’s exactly what she says. Then, when she was going to bed, she said to Luke “Mama was trying to be clever and hide the nail. I wouldn’t be hurt if you had done it.” Seriously. I will never live this down.

PS: As payback for my terrible parenting, I’m having a colonoscopy tomorrow. So, you can imagine how I’m feeling this evening.

Hailey: “Mommy, I missed you so much. I love you. Sophia missed you too. It’s harder for her when you are away.”

Me: “Why is it harder for Sophia?”

Hailey: “Because she loves you more than me.”

File that under “Sorry I Asked.”