Lessons in Motherhood

How do you explain 4th of July without explaining war and countries and everything else. Well, here’s how my husband did it, which I find both brilliant and hysterical…

Well, some countries are older than ours but in order to have our country, we had to have a lot of heated debates.

Heated debates! Hysterical.

My spring cleaning has been a bit delayed this year. What is it? Mid Summer? It’s fine to start spring cleaning now, right?

Anyway, I decided to go through all of the girls’ toys to get rid of the baby toys. That’s always a scary thing because you feel like a burglar in your own house, trying to sneak things out before anyone notices. Well, I failed in my stealth operation, and Hailey came across a big pile of toys in the garage. Instead of throwing a fit (as I would have imagined), she told me that we didn’t need those toys anymore, and we should give them to children who need them.

That was good because that’s precisely where I was taking them. I asked her who she thought needed them. After naming every friend she has, I repeatedly explained to her that those children had lots of toys and what about children who didn’t have any toys. She thought about it for a while and decided that the only children who wouldn’t have lots of toys were the ones who were still in their Mommy’s bellies. Fair point.

That’s when I took the leap and tried to explain homelessness. That’s probably a lot for an almost 4-year-old to comprehend, but we regularly support a shelter for women and children in Atlanta called Genesis House. We love the work that they do, and I want Hailey to be involved so that she always appreciates her privilege.

Anyway, the best part was how long the conversation was and how much she contemplated these children who don’t have homes. My favorite part was when she said, “Well, maybe we could build them homes, Mommy.” If only it was that easy, Hailey.

My iPhone4 came to work with me on Friday, and it was the hit of the office. Everyone wanted to see it, but especially the tech guys. While they were ogling it, I realized that having an iPhone4 last week was like having Willy Wonka’s Golden Ticket. It immediately granted you access to the world of geekdom. I was getting emails with iPhone articles and people were talking to me about it’s antenna and some other stuff I didn’t understand. While I’m thrilled to have the phone, I don’t really need the ticket. I have a front row seat in my house every single day.

After I talked to my husband at 5am to explain to him the unfortunate turn of events that led to me deactivating his phone, he literally laughed at me, to which I took absolutely no offense. This whole technology thing is not my cup of tea, and I’m even lazier about it since he solves all of our tech problems.

Which leads me to the next conversation that I had with him at approximately 10am when he called to tell me not to worry about the big flaw with the phone. What big flaw with the phone? Apparently, if you hold the phone by the metal around the side, then you lose all of your signal bars. You drop from like five bars to two bars. “It’s widely reported,” he said. Yeah, it’s widely reported in places where tech geeks hang out because I had never heard of such a thing. I was in disbelief that our precious little Apple would not test such a basic functionality. Did they not pick up a phone to make a call? Because you pretty much can’t hold the damn thing without touching the metal.

Of course, I experimented with it on and off during the day, and I saw it happen one time. CRISIS!!! Luckily, Luke has already ordered some type of case for it that will prevent the problem. Unfortunately, it won’t arrive for two weeks. What am I supposed to do in the meantime? Walk around talking on only two bars or try to balance the thing without touching the metal? Whatever will I do? Oh the trials and tribulations of early adopterhood.

Happy iPhone4 Release Day, everyone! Of course, we received our new iPhones yesterday because we are the earliest of adopters. We are like the pre-adopters, the time-warp-back-in-time adopters, the stand-in-line-at-the-Apple-Store-for-12-hours adopters, the-I’m-the-one-who-stole-that-guy’s-prototype-phone-at-the-bar adopters. You have to be a super geek or wife of a geek to get that last one. Anyway, you get the idea. Well, be prepared for the stupidest early adopter story ever. Are you ready?

Ok. Right before Apple announced the iPhone4, I told Luke that I needed a new phone because mine was slow and buggy. When he said that the new ones were coming out, I thought that he would get a new one and I would take his old one as that is the normal evolution of technology in this household. Then, I decided that this time would be different. I should get the new phone, and he could keep his old one. Buck the system! Throw caution to the wind and get the coolest thing out there just this one time. Yeah. That kind of didn’t fly with him so it was determined that we would BOTH get new iPhones. Fine. Whatever.

Of course, I still had this little piece of me that was scheming to get the new phone before him just so that I could act like a three-year-old and run around with my new little toy in front of him. Well, that didn’t work at all because I don’t have the patience or stamina to spend 10 hours online trying to order two phones. My husband, bless his early adopter heart, does!

Thus, two phones arrived at our house yesterday. Well, actually three phones arrived which confused me until I realized that one belonged to a neighbor of mine who was thoroughly relieved when I called him. He was on vacation and had a neighbor watching out for the phones and was totally distraught when it didn’t arrive. Who goes on vacation on National iPhone Release Day? Sorry. I digress.

So, Luke was not here to receive the phones, and by not here, what I mean is that he is in France for business until Sunday. So, in essence, I did get my phone first. Ha! So there! Now, I have been scheming with people at my office to play a joke on Luke to tell him that something was wrong with the shipment. I decided to go with the “they sent the 3G phones, not the iPhone4″ since AT&T had sent me an email saying “let’s talk about your 3G phone” which I promptly forwarded to Luke to sow the seed of doubt about his iPhone4 ordering skills.

Are you following this? I called him in France and told him that Apple sent us the wrong phones. That’s what I did. Because I’m mean and evil. Here’s how karma bit my ass right back…

Ok. Two phones arrived. Both were addressed to Luke. Both looked exactly the same and had no identification as to whose phone was whose. Since the iPhone4 takes a miniSIM card which is different from the SIM card in our current phones, I didn’t know how to activate it so I called Apple. The woman, Tia, on the phone was very nice and told me to plug the phone into the computer. Novel idea. Thanks, Tia. I plugged it in and iTunes brought up Luke’s phone number and asked me for the last 4 of his social. I thought that I was logging into our account so that I could activate the phone. iTunes had other ideas. It immediately began activating the phone on Luke’s account. That essentially means that it DEACTIVATED his old SIM card which is in his old iPhone which he is using while in France. OOPS!!!

After an hour of talking to AT&T and Apple, we determine that there is no way to reactivate his old phone unless I ship him a new SIM card from here. Ugh! What kind of crappy ass system is this?!?!?! Even the AT&T lady told me that they were planning on there being problems so they are offering people free replacement SIM cards. Here’s an idea…if you think that there are going to be problems why not give better instructions? Why not fix it so that there aren’t problems? Why not communicate with Apple so that they are aware of the problem and don’t tell people like me to just plug and go? Argh!!! You know who I blame for this? Steve Jobs. Because I always blame him and now there is one more reason for him to pay for my marriage counseling because my husband probably wants to divorce me right now. Fortunately, he can’t call to tell me that because he has no phone.

We decided to start Hailey in private swim lessons this summer because we know she can swim, but she’s too afraid to try it. We started yesterday, and she has four lessons this week. After the first lesson, she was already dunking under water and practicing swimming on the steps Now, she’s swimming with the kickboard with very little help from the teacher. We’re so happy with her progress.

Sophia, on the other hand, decided to have a complete meltdown at the pool. The problem here is the Grandpa has been home with Sophia for two days because she had a mysterious fever. Of course, she had him wrapped around her little fingers. How bad was it? Well, for 9 hours today he did everything she asked. Since she doesn’t even talk, how much could that really be? Apparently, she pointed and he went. Upstairs, downstairs, inside, outside, all around. All damn day! He didn’t even have lunch! That takes spoiling the child to a new level. When I got home, I had to bring some order to the madness. Here’s the outcome…

Sophia’s language skills are coming along. She kind of understands some words and can say: bubbles, Mama, Dada, ball, up, and uh oh. Of course, uh oh remains her favorite. I don’t think she really understands the meaning of “uh oh” since she often throws something on the floor and then says “uh oh.” I am constantly reminding her that it doesn’t count if it’s not an accident.

Sophia has also taken to growling. Not grunting, but growling. It’s kind of like a baby polar bear trying to be scary. You just have to sort of laugh at her because she’s so darn cute but trying so hard to be difficult.

Of course, when verbal communication fails her, as it almost always does, she turns to her nonverbal skills like pointing. You’d be amazed at how much you can communicate just by pointing. You’d also be surprised at how many times you ask her something, and she shakes her head vigorously yes and then no over and over again. Well, maybe that’s not surprising.

I don’t know if you’ve guessed by reading previous installments of this blog, but the Hamilton family watches A LOT of Food Network. One of our favorite shows is Good Eats with Alton Brown because he really tells you the science behind cooking which I find totally fascinating in my own geeky way.

So, while Luke and the girls were out of town, I watched about 6 Good Eats episodes that I had been saving up. I decided that I had to make this BBQ chicken recipe which required that you soak the chicken in a brine for 1.5 hours. So, a brine is just a combo of water, honey and an insane amount of salt. We were kind of busy on Friday with our big World Cup party so I didn’t really realize that 1.5 hours quickly turned into about 6 hours, but what difference would it make? Brine is probably like marinade so the longer the better. Right?

Yeah, here’s the thing about that theory – marinade and brine are not at all the same things. I think it’s possible that they serve two totally different purposes. I didn’t realize this until I cooked the chicken and realized that it now tasted like it had been soaked in salt water for an insane amount of time, which for all intents and purposes, it was.

Here’s the best part of the story – the girls LOVED it! Ate more grilled chicken tonight than they’ve eaten in their whole lives. The lesson I take from this is forget about eating healthy, just dredge everything in salt and save yourself the trouble!

This is Mommy’s week of temporary freedom while Luke keeps the girls in TX at his Dad’s new house/cabin/eco-friendly experiment. We all flew to Dallas on Saturday afternoon and stayed there until Monday evening when I flew back to Atlanta BY MYSELF!!

Not surprisingly, I was really sad about leaving the girls and just a little bit nervous (sorry Daddy). However, after spending a few days with the girls in TX, I knew they would be fine after I left. Let’s face it, I can’t compete with a creek, pool, horses, and the other wonders of country living. Still, I was sad when they dropped me at the airport, and then quickly amused when I got a call not ten minutes later from Luke. “Hailey says her tummy hurts, and she has to poop. Plus, Sophia has been crying since you got out of the car,” he said.

It’s about an hour and a half to get back to his Dad’s house, so he was in a bit of a pickle. Welcome to single fatherhood, Daddy! I have to say that I was feeling a bit relieved that it’s not just me who finds having two kids by yourself a bit daunting. Then, I got the second call…”Hailey just puked all over the back of the car and it stinks.”

Oh no! At that point, my heart really went out to her (and him). After the puking episode, they made their way to a Target (the savior of all parents) where he proceed to buy her new clothes and get her cleaned up (how that cost close to $100 I’m not sure). Then, he changed Sophia’s diaper, but made a fatal error – he ripped the tab that keeps the diaper closed. Oops. Usually, that’s not a huge deal EXCEPT when she poops in the now uncloseable diaper, which she, of course, did in this case. Then, if you forget that the diaper is not on there securely (which he did), and you happen to pick her up, like he did, then you get poop all over. Yeah. Getting puked on and pooped on in the first 3 hours of Mama’s departure was probably not what Daddy was looking forward to. Poor Daddy. And Poor Mommy…more on that in Episode 2

Sophia has her first severe battle with diaper rash. It’s a miracle that she’s survived this long without one, but her time has come.

Pop Quiz: What’s the best remedy for diaper rash? Think back three years. I gave you this answer when Hailey had diaper rash. Yup…the best remedy is going without a diaper. GASP!

Yes, I let Sophia go without a diaper all evening long, and she only peed once on the floor. More on that later.

So, the other remedy for diaper rash is a Mama-made mixture of Milk of Magnesia, corn starch, and A&D ointment. As I’m digging through the medicine cabinet congratulating myself on how I am mother of the year for knowing this genius remedy, I realize that my Milk of Magnesia is two years expired and the A&D ointment is nowhere to be found. CRISIS! How will I make my super duper diaper rash remedy if I don’t have the right ingredients?

Ok. No need to panic. I could just pile two girls in the car (one with severe diaper rash who is having a fit) and run to CVS (Luke is in Seattle). Umm…nope…that’s not going to happen. Plan B – MacGyver some crazy remedy together and hope for the best. Hmm…let’s see what we have here. Umm…Mylanta…that’s close to Milk of Magnesia, right? And Butt Paste, similar to A&D kinda, right? Ok. Let’s just mix those together. Hmm…too watery. Ok, how about some of that expired Milk of Magnesia? It’s really thickened up in the past 4 years. Whatever…don’t judge…we’re not drinking it!!! Now a little more corn starch and voila… we have some kind of crazy white paste.

Next step = apply to buttocks. I have never seen this child lay so still for a diaper change before so it must be soothing. The problem is that we’re still going diaper-less at this point which means that we’re getting white pasty crap all over the house. Did I mention that the cleaning lady just came today? Ugh…nice timing, kid!

Of course, the poor little angel wanted to be held all evening because she was hurting. I completely understand and being the selfless mother that I am I held her regardless of the white paste getting all over me. Ok fine. I forgot that she had the paste on until after the damage was done, and then I figured these clothes are destined for the wash anyway.

It’s at this point when I have a pasty-butted screaming child on my lap and I have white crap all over my jeans and black (of course) shirt that my childless neighbors decide to come out on their porch which is right next to mine. I mean, seriously, this is not my mother-of-the-year moment! Before long Sophia is temper tantruming, Hailey is screaming because Sophia took her marker, I’m refereeing the situation while covered in expired Milk of Magnesia pasty crap, and I’m thinking “Holy crap, here I am the poster child for birth control. They are probably going to leave to go get condoms if not a vasectomy right now.”

I know you’re waiting for me to say that Sophia peed on me on me right at that moment, but she didn’t. Instead she peed halfway up the stairs and then tracked it up to the top. (Did I mention the cleaning lady came today?) Hailey reminded me that Sophia peed on the stairs 12 or 13 times. Didn’t matter… I still forgot when I went downstairs and ended up with a very wet sock. Curse words. Just slap my face on a box of condoms right now!