Lessons in Motherhood

This post should probably be called What You Can’t Wear Anymore or maybe The 5 Things that You Can Wear or more appropriately Another Post Wear I Bitch About Something. Today, I’d like to bitch about my wardrobe or lack thereof. Since I had Sophia and swore off all maternity clothes, I have very little to wear. Every morning, I walk into a completely full closet and pull out one of about three outfits that fit me. “Oh you must be exaggerating,” you say. Ha!!! Let me detail exactly what I have that “fits”

• 1 pair of jeans – they are actually too big, but I refuse to buy a smaller size because eventually, I’ll fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans, right? Of course, by then they’ll be out of style, but it’s the principle of the thing.
• 1 long black skirt/1 long denim skirt – these have been my summer staple so far whenever I need to look respectable.
• 2 polo shirts – I picked these up at Target a few weeks ago when I literally couldn’t fit into anything but a t-shirt. Unfortunately, I later learned that busty women (i.e. breastfeeding Moms) should not wear polo shirts because they make you look like you have a uni-boob. Great. Thanks for the advice!
• 2 casual type cotton shirts – These I bought recently and apparently the v-neck and scoop necklines are better for busty ladies so I guess I lucked out on picking 2 things that actually fit and look respectably good (supposedly).
• 3 pairs of workout shorts – I’m not proud of these or the white, pasty legs that stick out of them, but it’s getting hot here so the world will have to suffer with this fashion nightmare.
• Endless supply of t-shirts – This is pretty much what I wear every day. I have three types of t-shirts. I’ll describe them in descending order from the ones I have the least of which is nice, clean, unstained, well-fitting t-shirts to ones that are either too big, too small, or too stained. This second bunch might still be worn in public, but I would have to justify that by remembering that I have a newborn. Finally, the ones that I have the most of are the too big, too stained, and too deteriorated kind (some that literally have holes in them). These shirts are saved for days when I’m mostly in the house, but let’s face it I’m not above wearing them somewhere like the grocery store if I didn’t feel like changing.
• 2 sweatsuits – yup, the kind your grandma wears. I’m not proud.

Ok. That is the full extent of the clothes in my closet that I can wear right now. I’m only about 13lbs above where I was pre-pregnancy, but I think that even if I lose the weight, I’m still not going to fit into stuff. You see things just aren’t where they used to be. I’ve tried to go to the store to buy more clothes, but everything either looks weird with my new shape or is too expensive for what I’m hoping is a temporary size issue. I’ve actually started walking and exercising this week not because I think that I look that bad but because I’m tired of wearing the exact same 4 shirts, 2 skirts, and 1 pair of jeans over and over again.

Plus, let’s face it, Sophia is going to be 6 weeks old on Friday, which means that I’m getting dangerously close to not being able to use the newborn excuse for my disheveled appearance anymore. I suppose that sometime in the next 2 weeks or so I’ll have to start wearing makeup and combing my hair again. If I don’t, I hope that someone has Stacy and Clinton (hosts of What Not to Wear) on speed dial because at that point they might be my only hope.

One of Hailey’s favorite new words is “because.” The way that she employs “because” in sentences is quite unique. Set aside the fact that she could use 4-8 “because’s” in a sentence, thereby creating the longest run on in the history of man, and you are left with the use of “because” to create some very backward logic. Let me give you some of my favorite examples…

Here’s a simple one that she used tonight…

“Josie’s not feeling good because we have to take her to the doggy doctor.”

Then, they can get a little more complex…

“I’m hungry because I need to eat macaroni and cheese because it makes me get taller because it comes in a bowl because we eat it for breakfast.”

Her turns of phrase are so entertaining (although less entertaining when she’s on her 6th because, and you’ve forgotten what the point of the sentence was to begin with). Being the daughter of an English teacher and a logic master, I can’t help but rearrange the sentences and repeat them back to her every once in a while. Still, it’s just so cute that I hate to force real logic on her too soon. For now, we can’t translate the sentences because we have to sit back and enjoy them because Hailey is her own unique personality because she says the craziest things sometimes. It’s actually quite hard to write in reverse logic…you should try it!!!

I swear that these pictures were taken in this order and within the span of about 3 minutes…maybe less. That’s how fast her mood swung from happy smiley baby to upset baby and back again. The whole thing was pretty funny, and I was glad to have caught it on camera. She is getting much more interactive now in terms of actually responding to us beyond just demanding food all the time. Also, she’s quite cute if I do say so myself.

Hailey and her friend Kellen had a little adventure at our garden last week. I put them in charge of distributing and burying the worms that I had ordered. They took care of a few other chores like watering and picking strawberries as well. Of course, the red that you see around their mouths is actually strawberry juice, and no, I don’t always wash the strawberries first. People have been consuming organically grown, fresh veggies and fruits for millions of years. So, I say, let them eat dirt! Ok, I try to wipe them off as best I can, but their hand to mouth speed is sometimes faster than I can catch.

Anyway, I love having my girls up at the garden (it’s still weird to say my girls), even though Hailey won’t touch worms and gets a little weird about the dirt as well. It’s good for them to see how their food is grown and to pick their own veggies. I know that Hailey’s love of tomatoes comes from the fact that she can pick those cherry tomatoes and just pop them right in her mouth. We’ve expanded the garden this year, so I’m hoping that maybe some of the tomatoes will actually make it in my mouth too. I encourage everyone to try growing a cherry tomato plant or two even if you do it in a pot on a patio. It’s rewarding, fun, and delicious!

She reluctantly took the pacifier yesterday!!!

Sophia is just a wonderful, happy baby (for the most part), but I have to say that I forgot how high maintenance infants are. Or, maybe it’s just that Sophia herself is a little high maintenance. She is certainly more demanding than her sister was both in the fact that she doesn’t take a binky and that she hates to be wet or cold or not in someone’s arms. She also isn’t a big fan of the bottle, but she’ll take it eventually when the milk starts to choke her. Although I have a list a mile long of things that I want to accomplish while on maternity leave, it’s hard to do much other than hold her, feed her, watch her, etc. Still, I must remind myself that the reason I’m on maternity leave is to hold her, feed her, watch her, etc. That should be enough, and when it’s not, she reminds me to focus on what’s really important – her!

Hailey: “Mommy, I want to ask you a question about Cato (a boy from her class). Cato said that he would come to my house this weekend and dance with me. First I’ll put on my dress and then my slippers then Cato will come and he’ll dance with me.” (I don’t know where the question went because she didn’t ask me if Cato could come over. She just told me that he was coming over.)

Mom: “Did you ask Cato to come to your house or did he just offer?”

Hailey: “I asked him and he said that he would, but I didn’t ask Marley. Cato is a cute boy, and he’s a good listener.”

Oh my…I guess this is starting already. I’m not ready for this silliness.

Luke left for Las Vegas early this morning. Usually when I’m a single Mom I like to plan something fun for Hailey to do. Today it was supposed to rain so I thought that I would take her to Leaping Lizards which is our local jumping house where they have a bunch of moonwalks. It’s a great place for her to run around and where herself out. At about 2:00pm, I threw both girls in the car and took off for Leaping Lizards. By the time we got there, Hailey was asleep and Sophia was pooping in the backseat. Hmmm…moral Mommy dilemma. Do I wait for her to wake up and take her in or do I go back home? Easy decision = drive back home. Now, I’m driving home and thinking that maybe I could actually take a nap if I let Hailey sleep in the car. Once you’ve mentally committed to a nap, you almost have to take one. So, I pulled in the garage, silently removed everything from the car except for Hailey. Then, I grabbed Sophia and climbed into the downstairs bed for my nap. Not five minutes later I hear sobbing from the car, “I want to go to Leaping Lizards.” Oh no…I’ve been caught!!!! “We drove all the way to Leaping Lizards, and it was closed,” I said sheepishly. Then, “wanna watch a movie?” Ten minutes into the movie, and I’m passed out on the couch.

I hope that no one ever tells my children that I write this blog. This is the stuff that therapy sessions are made of. I mean I had to unrepress years worth of memories in order to make my parents crazy with stories of how they tortured me with powdered milk and double buckled shoes. My kids are just going to have to look online to gather millions of therapy dollars worth of bad Mommy stories. Isn’t the internet grand??? Sorry kiddos!

I can’t even believe that it’s been one month since little Sophia was born. I’d like to say that it seems like yesterday, but it doesn’t. We’ve already been through so much. It’s fun really getting to know her and love her. She’s fabulous by the way. Her one month pictures are up on Flickr now.

If anyone ever tries to tell you that breastfeeding is the most wonderful experience in a woman’s life, just look at them and say “Liar, liar boobs on fire.” Because it is a lie, a lie that is perpetuated breastfeeding extremists and Mom’s who are so far removed from the actual experience that they have the same rosy yet warped memory about breastfeeding as they probably have about childbirth. Let me be perfectly clear…breastfeeding is not fun!!!! Nope, it’s hard work, especially at the beginning. Just to give you some context in case you’ve never breastfed before, you can simulate the breastfeeding experience by following these simple steps:

1. Go out to your garage, get the most coarse sandpaper you can find, take your shirt off and rub it on your nipples for 10-15 minutes. That’s what breastfeeding feels like at the beginning.
2. Wear a bra 24 hours a day for 4-6 weeks. You have to protect those tender nipples and this is the only way. Now, don’t you feel a little less than fresh?
3. Stuff two small watermelons (or heavy bocce balls) in your bra and try carrying them around all day long. Does your back ache yet?
4. Drop what you are doing every 2 hours so that you can sit perfectly still for 20-40 minutes. Don’t move or you might as well throw a clothespin on your nipple because the baby has just bitten it off.
5. Throw away all of your cute tops that you used to wear because those won’t fit you for a very very long time. Nope. It’s time to invest in some XXL tops because that’s all you can wear.
6. Every morning be sure that you put a nice swath of deodorant under each boob because now that they hang down to your knees, you really need to be sure that the area doesn’t get as stinky as you might imagine knee length boobs getting underneath.
7. Finally, next time you are out in public or maybe at work, run into the restroom and splash some water on the front of your shirt to simulate the milk leakage that you get from time to time. As an extra bonus, you should get some sour milk and dump a little on your shoulder. That way you can smell spit up all day long.
   

If you think that I’m exaggerating, consider this…I was a C-cup before I had Hailey and Sophia. Right now, I’m an H-cup. FYI – They don’t do the double D system anymore, they just keep counting up the letters. So, I’m five cup sizes bigger than I was before (and 2 underwear sizes, but let’s not go there). Of course, in a few months this won’t seem so bad. Sophia will be eating on some type of schedule, she’ll be taking bottles some of the time, and I’ll be used to my new XL wardrobe. Plus, I’ll enjoy curling up each night to reconnect with her after a long day’s absence. Still, right now those days seem like they are so far away, and I’m very tired. I think it’s time to start her on a bottle before I lose my mind.

As bad as it sounds, I would never consider not breastfeeding. Shockingly, the advantages really do outweigh all of these disadvantages, I swear.

I have mastitis which is an infection of the breast tissue common to breastfeeding mothers. It basically means that I have a fever, chills, body aches, and am generally miserable.